Lucas stormtrooper free figure contest!

[TEXASFETT]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[TEXASFETT]

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"And then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"And then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[piecemaker]

My girlfriend asked,"Do you want to get married?"
I said,"Sure."
She said,"Great when?"
I said,"Well like every other guy,when i meet the right girl."

[piecemaker]

A young ventriliquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club.
With his dummy on his knee,he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes."
"What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"
"What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"
"Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person,because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against,not only blondes,but women in general...all in the name of humor!"
The ventriliquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize,when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

[AJ Collector]

A priest and a rabbi, no wait a priest and a monkey, or was it a duck and drunk......oh the hell with it!

[txteach]

Ok you people are making me laugh! Thanks and keep it up!

[kisscash]

A man comes home from work wearing nothing but plastic wrap for pants ... his wife looks at him and says ... I used to think you were crazy but now I see you're nuts!

[piecemaker]

A man was sitting at a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the tallest skyscraper in town.
Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a drink.
He downs the drink,and then takes a running leap out the window.
Much to everyones surprise,he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar.
The man at the bar is amazed and asks the other man how he did it.
"Easy,"says the man.
Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow,"says the man at the bar."I gotta try this!"
He takes a running leap out the window and falls to his death on the street below.
"Geez Superman," says the bartender.
"You can be a real jerk when you're drunk"

[TEXASFETT]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[txteach]

Hey if you are not a winner of this figure I'll happily sell you one at a good price. If in the U.S. $21 shipped. I don't do paypal so you can send me a check when the figure arrives. If you are a newbie I'd need someone to vouch for you before I send first. Thanks everyone who has told a joke. Keep them coming.

[Gorn Captain]

A Catholic priest, a rabbi and an islamic imam get on a plane together. They start talking, and when they get off the plane, they agree that all religions are equal, that we should be tolerant and loving towards each other, and that they will work together to make the world a beautiful place to live in...

When this joke was told to me, I didn't get it at first either...

[mitchedwards]

A redneck walks into a bar. The bouncer stops him, and informs him that a tie is required to enter the bar.

So the redneck goes out to his truck and looks around for a tie. All he can find is a jumper cable. So he ties it around his neck, and walks back tot eh bouncer.

The bouncer looks at him and says OK, that will do for a tie, but don;t go starting anything.

[mitchedwards]

A man comes home from work wearing nothing but plastic wrap for pants ... his wife looks at him and says ... I used to think you were crazy but now I see you're nuts!

OK I now have coffee all over my keyboard.

[Mikey]

Good stuff

I'm drawing a blank myself

[Donkey Hoatie]

What do Native Americans call their erections?

Scrotum Poles.