Lucas stormtrooper free figure contest!

[txteach]

While packing to move I noticed I had 22 of these figures. Too damn many! Well I need some fun in my life so I want to give one away. I'll pay shipping worldwide (as long as it's not over $10). Here are the rules:
Contest ends Friday at midnight.
You can enter as much as you want.
Ok, just tell a funny joke! That's it!
If your joke is funny I'll put your name in a hat and draw one name out friday!
No if, ands or butts! Figure is in the mail Saturday.
This is my way of saying thanks for all the love and support I got here during a horrid period in my life. I love all you guys and am glad to be back!
Figure is MOC and comes in mailing box!
Ok now, lets hear those jokes! The more jokes you tell the more entries you get!

[TEXASFETT]

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

[TEXASFETT]

Why did the football coach go to the bank?


To get his quarter back!

[TEXASFETT]

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

[Adam West]

Show me a man with a nub for an index finger, and I'll show you a man who asked Chuck Norris to "Pull My Finger"

[Cmonster]

A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a drink and towel...

SC

[starsky]

Nicholas took his four-year-old son, Bryan, to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

Later, Nicholas and Bryan attended St Bartholomew's church on the Sunday before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, Bryan suddenly yelled out at the top of his voice, 'Play ball.'

[livnxxxl]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Donkey Hoatie]

OK, kind of a long one, but what the heck.

Two young couples move to a nice suburban neighborhood around the same time. They become friends and, after some time, decide to join a church in the town. They set up a meeting with the pastor and talk to him about becoming members of the congregation.

The pastor says, “It’s good to see young couples get involved with the church. I’ll be honest, though. We see many couples like you here, and they tend to show up for a few weeks and then basically stop coming altogether. So, before you can join our congregation, we’d like to ask a small sacrifice of you, so you can show your dedication.”

The couples agree that they’d be willing to prove their dedication, so the pastor continues, “All we ask is that you abstain from sex for one month, and then come back to talk to us about joining.”

A month goes by and both couples come back to talk to the pastor. “So, how was it?” he asked.

The first husband responds. “Well, I’ll admit, it was much harder than I thought it would be. I love my wife, and think she is the most beautiful person in the world. There were times when were really tempted to give in, but in the end, we felt that this small sacrifice would be worth it. So, we did what you asked and abstained for the whole month.”

“Wonderful!” says the pastor. “Welcome to our church. We’re so happy to have you here.” He looks at the other couple. “And, what about you?”

The second husband responds. “I agree, it was very difficult. Like my friend here, I love my wife very much, and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, too. I will admit though, that there was one day when I saw her bending over the freezer getting some steaks out, and she just looked so good, I had to have her right then and there. It was just that one time, but I’m sorry to say that we weren’t able to abstain for the whole month.”

The pastor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you that you’re not welcome in our church at this time.”

The husband replies, “Yeah, we’re not welcome at the grocery store for a while, either.”

[livnxxxl]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[alex]

A son goes up to his Dad, and asks him the differance between THEORY and REALITY.

His Dad then tells him to ask his Mum and sister, if they would sleep with someone for a million bucks, and then come back with the info.

So the boy goes up to his sister, the sisters like Yeah!!!, no problem

He goes up to his Mum, shes like yeah maybe, if it improves the family financial situation.

So going back with this info. to his Dad, the Dad goes to his son.

See son, in THEORY we live in quite a wealthy family, but in REALITY with a couple of hookers.

[alex]

Its the end of the world, and all the men are getting segragated in heavan.

God comes along and asks all the men to stand on the left, if they were under the thumb from thier wives/girlfriends through out thier lives.

Amazingly only one man stays behind.

God is amazed, and disgusted, and goes up to the man to congratulate him, and asks him how he did it, and why he thinks he should be standing here.

The man replies "because my wife told me"

[TEXASFETT]

Vampires in a Bar

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used Kotex.

"Tea time!!!"

[TEXASFETT]

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

[TEXASFETT]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'