Suicide

[Godzilla]

Chis that's a powerful story and I really appreciate you sharing it. You put a real voice on the topic we're discussing. I'm glad beyond words that things are better for you and you're still among toy collectors.

[megowgsh]

Toyman Chris, I am so glad you didn't do the unthinkable. I for one would have never met you and I have to say my life is a lot cooler with you in it.

[Toyman_Chris]

Thanks guys! I am very glad to still be here. If my story helps anyone in anyway, then I am very glad to have shared it.

I found this place after that whole episode and I was at a great place in my life. I wasn't Bull****ting, when I told everyone how much I needed to find my inner child when I found this place. Megos have added a smile to my life. A remembrace of the younger me that enjoyed the little things. Austin....you know I love you brother. I am anxious as heck for Mego Meet!

You guys all rock! D.....you really need to go to MegoMeet this year!

[Random Axe]

I hesitated to get involved with this thread, but I deal with this quite often.

Many of you are aware of the health issues my wife faces, many are not. She is, more or less, terminal. The condition she suffers from has no cure and only gets worse with time. It's also incredibly painful and causes a giant list of complications such as chronic nausea, vomitting, fatigue and constipation. There are nights when she literally cries herself to sleep wondering why God and the universe allows her to suffer as much as she does. She often tells me in the morning she's disappointed she didn't die in her sleep and apologizes for ruining my life with her problems. She also, with all of the medications we have here, has the ability to end her life pretty easily. She's told me she's thought about it. She's riddled with pain and guilt daily. This is what I wake up to each day and come home to each night after work.

To further complicate matters, we have trouble keeping doctors around. Many have dropped her from their care saying she's too complicated or that they simply cannot or do not know how to help. She has seen a couple of psych doctors in the past, but that's yielded little results. She does have some better days here and there and now has a reason to live with her son getting married in August, but this tpoic is always in the back of my mind. Will this be the day? What is she going to do while I'm at work? She has DNR orders at several area hospitals in case something happens.

I see this every day and cannot judge her or look down upon her feelings. I do my best to reassure her that better days ahead are possible as long as there is oxygen in her lungs and that she has, in no way, ruined my life. She might believe me, might not. There are only so many things I can control as her husband, she is ultimately in charge of her choices. Every day is an adventure. She could also pass away at any time, any day, succumbing to her affliction. I just don't know how I could mentally and emotionally deal with a suicide. I've been prepared for some time for her possible passing by natural causes. I'd be a fool not to. Dying by your own hand is quite another beast. Would I be eaten alive with guilt that I wasn't strong enough to help her? Would I be angry with her for eternity for leaving me that way?

Suicide always has more than one victim.

[megowgsh]

I am reading your story and am on the verge of tears especially because I consider you a dear friend and can feel your pain.

Then, I read the quote at the bottom of your post and break out into laughter.

Damn you Random Axe. Damn you.

[Bill]

For me it's just the near-constant disconnect with the rest of the world. And I have tons of friends, amazing friends, but for some reason I just can't find that deep connection with anyone, there's no one to truly talk to at most times. Which I guess is some weird defense mechanism I've devised to further punish myself. I can be severely self-destructive at times, combative at the drop of a hat, and generally hard to talk to at times because of the way that I think. I can be frustrating because people will ask me a simple question that I can think of with so many variables that I almost need them to ask the question in a certain way so that I can give the best answer. I come off as a real pain in the ***, and I'm not trying to be condescending, but I throw in all these extra variables for some reason that if the question isn't well-defined it can be frustrating to answer, so I just don't, making me seem even more the *******.
There's not one specific thing that sets me off, it's the constant of the disconnect that makes it hard to get by. The irony of it is I can hang out and talk all night long, and I will, I have no problem with being social, that's for sure. But I will rehearse statements in my head, I'm almost always thinking. It's hard to describe.
Two years ago I was given a prescription for Trazodone because the pain in my arm was so bad at night that it would keep me awake. I was self medicating at the time with alcohol and Vicodin, which would knock me out but not give me useful sleep. It was to the point where I had to sleep on the couch because I was keeping the wife awake at night. So the Trazodone had an amazing effect on me. One of those lucky mistakes that can only be identified in hindsight. Apparently my shoulders were riding so high from tension that they were actually causing the nerves to get pinched in my neck, causing a low, constant pain in my shoulder, elbow and two fingers, kinda like an ulnar nerve pinch. In addition to releasing the tension it also had a great side effect. It mellowed me out enough that I would pause before lashing out with a biting response. It gave me the clarity to see how unhealthy my thinking really was. I would rehearse arguments in my head that would never occur. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I think out the whole scenario, someone says something that might be taken as a vague judgement or insult and I'd have the whole argument play out in my head, over and over again, refining my position for something that most likely would never take place. It gave me the ability to step back for a second and not over-analyze every single comment made, both on my side as well as whomever I was speaking with. But without that outside reference point the old way of thinking was the only way of thinking, further supporting my disconnect with everyone.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Suicide isn't a rational decision of course, we're built to survive; but a near-constant inner conflict could possibly make suicide an option in a moment of weakness. I don't think it has to do with feeling unloved, and the feeling of letting others down must be there at the moment that you commit yourself to ending your life, sometimes people just break.

[Johnny]

That is brilliant Bill. I can relate to so much of that it is uncanny. The over analysis, the arguments playing out in my mind, the disconnect at times, even the shoulder tension and pinched nerves. I think that is a brilliant and insightful post.

[Gorn Captain]

Yeah, Bill, I see quite a few things in your post that I can relate to.
Like you said, rehearsing arguments that will probably never happen. I think it's a defense mechanism. When you've been "under fire" in the course of your life (for an extended period) you kind of develope a "warrior mentality". You think about how people might hurt you. And you rehearse how you would defend yourself. Problem is, all these wargames in your head drain you, they take up so much energy. They attack your body and mind. I've had some minor heart damage for quite a while now. Specialist called it a "soldier's heart". You're always ready for action. You have a hard time sleeping and relaxing. So you become on edge all the time. I couldn't sleep without Trazodone.

I've learned to relax some more, mainly by telling a couple of family members to get lost. Forever. Should have done that decades ago. I've tried to eliminate the "energy vampires" in my life, people who just suck you dry, emotionally.

[hedrap]

Thanks guys! I am very glad to still be here. If my story helps anyone in anyway, then I am very glad to have shared it.

I found this place after that whole episode and I was at a great place in my life. I wasn't Bull****ting, when I told everyone how much I needed to find my inner child when I found this place. Megos have added a smile to my life. A remembrace of the younger me that enjoyed the little things. Austin....you know I love you brother. I am anxious as heck for Mego Meet!

You guys all rock! D.....you really need to go to MegoMeet this year!

I met you last year at the Meet. Hard to fathom your were at that point.

As Nietzsche said, it's the moment we gaze into the abyss and it either swallows us or we see ourselves for what we've become.

[huedell]

Why do you need to apologize- you have the right to your opinion. Just because someone doesn't agree with it or like it doesn't mean it's wrong.

-Chris

It's wrong if you state opinion as fact. I love Mikey (in an Internet kinda way). But that's what he did. It didn't help matters that in his apology he said he "shouldn't've said anything" instead of something like "I mispoke". Whatever his intent, it comes across as a half-baked sentiment.

Reason I'm saying this stuff, is that I think it's pretty crass to condemn someone for comitting suicide. People go through their own personal Hell, and then make a tough decision, then people bash that person after-the-fact, and I see it as adding insult to injury in the purest sense.

Yes, other people get hurt in the wake of suicide, but it is what it is. The biggest label suicide-criticizers give towards the suicide-doers is that "it's a selfish act". How is it any more selfish than putting blame on other people that end their own lives because you are/were emotionally invested in them? Just because you (or people you care about) value the person who comitted suicide, gives you the right to condemn them for taking their lives? Sounds pretty selfish.

And for those that judge people in suicide scenarios that they aren't even friends or family with, that's even more crass and, ultimately, pointless.

I'm not saying there isn't a sad truth in the collateral damage of suicide. And I feel horrid for the people that have to survive suicide. But I just think that overall, people who commit suicide deserve a brand of compassion that is often tough to find due to many people's personal beliefs.

[Bill]

I can understand condemning suicide, it's a friggin' scary thing that we're all capable of doing, or worse, the folks we love are capable of doing. It's a position that I am happy that some people don't get. I've had a few friends go that way and if it's what they want to do there may be no stopping it. It's something that we cannot control in others, and that makes it very scary. I miss my friends dearly, and if there is an afterlife I'll punch them in the face after hugging them. I hope they found peace.

Gorn, Johnny, I feel relieved knowing that you two got my post, thank you.

[toys2cool]

You know what I was thinking as well? Some of these people when they snap they go on a murdering spree and take a bunch of people with them...Then people say" What a piece of crap,you should've just killed yourself" so maybe in some way we should be thankful that they only took their life and not anyone else.....Just something to think about So while it's sad and horrible, it could've been a lot worse...what if that mom decided to have taken her daughter with her?

[Bill]

Suicide by cop, taking out others so that you HAVE to kill yourself, now that I can see as cowardly and selfish.

[VintageMike]

I can see why people would feel the way they do on both sides. But you don't really know what the person thinking about it is feeling or is they have a condition that needs treatment. I'll share my own story, as I'm not sure if I have before. First I can really, really relate to the "For me it's just the near-constant disconnect with the rest of the world. And I have tons of friends, amazing friends, but for some reason I just can't find that deep connection with anyone, there's no one to truly talk to at most times." of what Bill said. My days can be very trying just because of this. I'm have little interest in the things most people like and they in return have every little interest in the things I like. If I'm lucky enough that someone has an even passing interest, that goes out the window when a third person enters the room and more common interests (such as sports) are brought up.
To my story. The year I turned 30 I had quiet a few things go wrong and my usual issues were made worse by that. I was sharing an apartment with my best friend that I couldn't afford causing my money problems and of course a girl a I liked that wouldn't give em the time of day. Add to all of this I was about a year and a half into the model site business and basically having a carrot dangled in front of me. I was basically exposed to people having the time for their life but even when I was invited to some stuff (which would have been great) there was no way I could go since I didn't have the money to travel at the time.
So after a couple co of "almosts" I lost it. I sent an E-mail to pretty much everyone I knew at the time pretty much saying it was the end and drove off from the apartment. After a visit to a another friend I regained my composure somewhat and returned the apartment on my own. Which would later turn out to be good thing (as opposed to them finding me) but the damage had been done. Police had been called and I was taken a hospital despite my protests and everything I had on me was taken and I was left in a bed. At that point I saw people with real problems around me. I suddenly realized that while things might not be going my way there were a lot of everyday things I took for granted. Things which, for the moment were gone. My parents came, and I knew I had to get out of there. I told them I wanted to leave and didn;t care where I went whether it wa sto my parents house or the apartment. While they did their best to convince me to stay after, after questioning me they were satisfied enough to let me go home with my folks.
From that day forward, no matter what happens I remember what I felt like in the hospital. Robbed of the ability to to decide to do even the simplest thing like read a comic or see a movie. I remember those with serious issues around that I saw. All that said I remember how I felt, before entering the hospital. I didn't fell the problem was "temporary". I in fact
thought life was getting worse by the day and would never improve. All I wanted was the agonizing emotional pain to go away. Today I'm OK and pretty much have been since that day.
Part of it I can attribute to the folks right here. Having a common interest here and having had the pleasure of meeting many of you and calling you my friends is very comforting.