When life throws you a curve ball...

[AJ Collector]

yeah I forgot to add BEST to you and the family.......

[AAAAA]

she needs to understand NOW that one day your not going to be there, thats the circle of life.she also showing signs of being immature. the minute the man left her ,she should gathered herself and start to take steps making sure her & the children were going to get threw this.
My dad stated to me : where are you NOW ,Where do you want to be in 10 years,how are going to get there! stuck with me for over 50 years,
good luck, god speed

[UnderdogDJLSW]

The other part to look at is the depression. If she is spending to compensate, you need to have her or, if she wont, you need to talk to someone who can help guide you and your family through this tough time.

[marbkwds]

Hey I am the father of 3 daughters . ages 13 , 12 and 10 . I don't really think that as a parent you ever stop helping your children , But you need to help them in a way that doesn't stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself . I am 41 years old and have become disabled and can't walk .. It's a long sorted story that I would rather not get into but my mother comes over to help us out all the time , She helps us with some shopping , laundry and the kids , But she is happy to do it and it helps my wife which has a lot more on here plate due to my being messed up ........... I think that being that she was not paying rent you might have helped her along the ways of some type of debt consolidation and figure out with her what is most impotant to pay now and what can wait , But to deplete your savings to get her back on her feet will not really teach her a life lesson , It will only make it easy for her to look for help from you again in the future when she messes up her finances ........ I wouldn'y help her finacially unless she curbed her spending and sees that she needs to change her way of living especially if she is living with her grandparents rent free ......... Keep your head up and start saving again but find another way to help her other than bailing her out all together ......... It will be better for yours and her futures ........... Just my 2 cents ......... But I know it is hard to see your children in need ............ Roy

[Toy Talk]

Hearing all of you as parents and children share stories and personal feelings is really a blessing. Thanks for taking the time out of your days to provide a shoulder and advice.

Ultimately the burden must rest on my daughter. After putting our immediate family in a tight financial situation, we can see that. Left at home we have five children, ages 8, 6, 4, 3, and 9 months. The risk we took in helping one is placing a true burden on the the remaining. Oh we will recover, but it is going to take a few months just to re-establish a slush fund.

We love our children despite their faults, as I am sure all of you do. However, she is 22 with children of her own; the time to grow up is now. Looking back over the events of the last seven days we asked ourselves, would we do it again? The answer is yes. Although we could have placed her into a debt consolidation program, we would do it again. Will we ever do it again, No! At least not to that degree. I think a $20 here and there is alright, and maybe something a little larger if she has really tried but fallen short; but no more big paydays from our savings.

From the bottom of my heart I appreciate everything that each of you said. Honestly, I read this thread and the personal messages relating to it nearly 10 times. Hopefully she will learn some maturity after all she has been through lately, but for now--I doubt it.

[Riffster]

yeah it's tough but she needs to stand on her own or fall on her own.

[toys2cool]

Hey I am the father of 3 daughters . ages 13 , 12 and 10 . I don't really think that as a parent you ever stop helping your children , But you need to help them in a way that doesn't stop you from doing what you need to do for yourself . I am 41 years old and have become disabled and can't walk .. It's a long sorted story that I would rather not get into but my mother comes over to help us out all the time , She helps us with some shopping , laundry and the kids , But she is happy to do it and it helps my wife which has a lot more on here plate due to my being messed up ........... I think that being that she was not paying rent you might have helped her along the ways of some type of debt consolidation and figure out with her what is most impotant to pay now and what can wait , But to deplete your savings to get her back on her feet will not really teach her a life lesson , It will only make it easy for her to look for help from you again in the future when she messes up her finances ........ I wouldn'y help her finacially unless she curbed her spending and sees that she needs to change her way of living especially if she is living with her grandparents rent free ......... Keep your head up and start saving again but find another way to help her other than bailing her out all together ......... It will be better for yours and her futures ........... Just my 2 cents ......... But I know it is hard to see your children in need ............ Roy

Dam Roy, I'm sorry to hear that bro

[Toy Talk]

I have more than a few friends who came back from their final overseas stint in similar condition. In many ways losing a limb requires learning how to live all over again. Having family around in a situation like Roy's is a Godsend. My prayers are with you pal.

[BOTZWANA]

I am 37 and my wife is 50 and we plan on NEVER having kids. There are far too many children in the world now who parents don't take care of. My father took care of me until I was 30. Loved him to hell for that. Lived with him all my life and never regretted "not growing up". He left me some money when he died so I took it and bought my own house and started my own business. http://www.monstercafesaltillo.com Don't have kids unless you can take care of them until you die. A child is still a child at 21. I never brought shame on my father by having kids and not taking care of them etc. We are Jehovah's witnesses and stayed together out of love and commitment. Raising kids till they are 21 and then kicking them out is not loving nor responsible. DON'T have them if you cannot stand them!

I take care of myself very well. I drink Alkaline water and feel terrific. No health problems nor for my wife. We are stronger than some 20 year olds. I don't want to have kids to have them take care of me when I am older.

[Brazoo]

Toy Talk - I don't have kids, so maybe that invalidates my opinion right away. Her basic needs and the needs of your grandkids are being met. She's got a roof over her head, and food on the table - so giving her money for consumer debt doesn't have anything to do with turning your back on her.

I think if you really want to help her you could maybe cover the cost of credit counseling or possibly some therapy sessions, as other's have suggested - but the consumer debt is 100% her responsibility. I don't think you should pay a cent of that. Like you said, she can claim bankruptcy if she really needs to - 7 years with no credit is not going to be the end of the world - she's so young!

Not wanting to flush your savings down the toilet is not selfish! You need to protect yourself and your wife and you HAVE to think of your grandkids' futures in case something happens. Paying back Macy's (or whatever) with your life savings just so she can keep her credit sounds like a VERY BAD IDEA TO ME.

A) No store getting paid back is as important as you keeping your savings to protect yourself, your wife, your daughter and your grandkids.

B) If you save her credit, YOU SAVE HER CREDIT! What stops her from ringing up more debt?

Maybe I'm 100% wrong on this one - but I have the smallest niggling feeling in my mind that if your daughter was really your son you'd have a lot less trouble helping to a point and then giving him a kick in the pants to get him back on track. In any case, as others have suggested, I don't believe that doing everything for her is going to rehabilitate her and I certainly don't think it's going to improve her life in the long run.

You and your wife sound like such nice people - but you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for the wrong reasons.

[Toy Talk]

Toy Talk - I don't have kids, so maybe that invalidates my opinion right away.

You are somebody's kid so your opinion is as valid as any.

I have the smallest niggling feeling in my mind that if your daughter was really your son you'd have a lot less trouble helping to a point and then giving him a kick in the pants to get him back on track.

Honestly, I had not thought of it as a boy/girl thing until now. You may be right about how our opinion is swayed due to her being a daughter instead of a son; the whole helpless female role in play. Had it been our son we might have taken a much harder stance. Strange how that works isn't it?

[toys2cool]

I am 37 and my wife is 50 and we plan on NEVER having kids. There are far too many children in the world now who parents don't take care of. My father took care of me until I was 30. Loved him to hell for that. Lived with him all my life and never regretted "not growing up". He left me some money when he died so I took it and bought my own house and started my own business. http://www.monstercafesaltillo.com Don't have kids unless you can take care of them until you die. A child is still a child at 21. I never brought shame on my father by having kids and not taking care of them etc. We are Jehovah's witnesses and stayed together out of love and commitment. Raising kids till they are 21 and then kicking them out is not loving nor responsible. DON'T have them if you cannot stand them!

I take care of myself very well. I drink Alkaline water and feel terrific. No health problems nor for my wife. We are stronger than some 20 year olds. I don't want to have kids to have them take care of me when I am older.

I understand that, but at some point they have to grow up and take responsibility for themselves... anyone could need a hand once in a while. But there's also a point when it's just becomes taking advantage

[Brazoo]

You are somebody's kid so your opinion is as valid as any.

Oh wow - well I can tell you that when I was 20 I was a real idiot! Especially with money. There is no way I can even imagine myself taking care of a kid back then.

I made some bad choices and did not get along with my dad, and I'm sure he had some similar debates about where to draw the line with me too. I can't say I think he was always 100% right, or I was always 100% wrong - but I give him a lot of credit for a lot of the positive lessons I've learned. Things are great now - we're very close - we probably hang out about once a week. I give him a lot of credit for that too.

Anyway - I'm not saying your daughter is like I was at all, obviously, I don't know her!

You really do sound like a great guy - I hope things work out for the best in the long run!

[Brazoo]

BOTZWANA - This isn't about kicking her into the streets without food or shelter, it's actually just about her credit rating. In reality having credit is just a convenience. I lived without credit for years because I screwed up. I'm a lot more responsible now. Personally I think breaking a bad cycle is always the key to recovery with any problem.

By the way, if I'm ever in Saltillo Mexico I'm going to check out Monster Cafe FOR SURE!

[Toy Talk]

Damian and Brazoo, you two could not have made a clearer observation. Helping her out financially this time had nothing to do with whether she or the grandkids are able to eat and have a place to stay. On the contrary, those needs are well provided for. This was about saving her credit and ridding her of the harassing creditor phone calls.

Although I appreciate all the comments about us being nice parents, I am afraid our daughter does not currently see it that way; she wants our money, not our opinions. As far as she is concerned life is starting to move along the way she wants it to. Meanwhile her grandmother is nearing financial hardship every month and having to dip into her savings to cover the kids food and extras.

I think Brazoo phrased it well. If she does not figure out how to carry her own weight very soon she will have more than a lack of money to worry about--my boot is already itching to kick her buttocks.