When life throws you a curve ball...

[Toy Talk]

So my life is pretty mundane, even by normal standards; take care of the kids, go to school, work part-time, volunteer at church, play drums for the praise team, and go out with my wife for date night once per week. Nothing ever really changes much, until last week.

At what age do children become adults? Our oldest is 22 with 2 children of her own. Recently her husband left her for another woman and yes it was hard on her, so up-up-and-away comes Daddy to the financial and emotional rescue. Why? Because that is what fathers do for their little girls.

The initial financial hit was pretty severe, but survivable. However, just like a Tsunami the first wave turned out to be the small one. Although she and her children live with their grandmother rent free, our daughter refuses to step down her financial life-style.

So on comes the second enormous wave, and this one was devastating. My wife and I have been saving for years to purchase a home. Squirreling away a little money every month we had finally amassed near 15k, until last week. Without sharing the dirty details and sorted incidents, our new savings account balance is 0k and we do not own a home.

Our daughter is now safe and sound in addition to being back on her feet financially. The question I am left asking myself is at what age do our children hit the point where as a parent you can lovingly say..."Deal with your mess yourself" and not run the risk of losing them?

[kingdom warrior]

You can never run the risk of losing them. If a son a daughter would tell you I don't love you because you won't do this for me. Then the child doesn't understand agape (unconditional love).

You did your Job as a father and as a man of God and raised your children.....but after 21 there is a cutoff point. Otherwise you will have an "Adult" Child who refuses to grow up and act responsible for their own lives. Especially when they have their own children.

Too many parents have allowed their kids to stay on at home far too long. Not allowing them to grow up and be responsible.

Lovingly instead of paying them out of their own debts it would be wiser to have them think of solutions for their own lives and not rely on a quick fix. That puts you in a deep hole.

[Toy Talk]

Just so this whole thread does not sound too negative I feel a necessity to share some positive information as well. Last week I was offered and accepted a part-time job as an IT Administrator. The most amazing part about the job is the hours because I get to pick them. In addition, I can work from my home if possible. That means I can continue to be a stay-at-home father to our wonderful children as well as earn a paycheck doing something I am good at.

Even when life throws a curve ball, occasionally one gets smacked out of the park!

[toystalker]

wow amazing read.

im wondering if your daughters rent FREE lifestyle has helped her run up debt... im thinking if she dont own a house what can the debt do to hurt her credit if she refused to pay, like its not secured on the home or anything as she dont dsound like she owns 1

not having the responsability of bills or house keep to keep the place a float must be the reasons... sure the kids probably dont go with out and stuff and thats cool but you gotta pay the way 1st then enjoy what little you got left over afterwards

im speaking as a 0.00 income person myself... its my 1st year running my own serious business, ive bought and sold toys for 18-20 years now but this is my 1st session as a proper toy shop business with rent bills and lots of overheads. my misses is keeping me on her part time wage... i dont have any debt either though

its good of you to bail out your daughter, my 1 daughter is 19 now and id like to think that i could help her out of a mess if she found her self in 1... but yeah where do you draw the line... im mean fair play im 37 aand i just lent some money off my mum LOL but it was just a few pound

man you done good and im sure good will come to you in waves

but im thinking whats the worst that could have happened if you said NO i cant bil you out, what does she own that could get took away house no, car possibly... and electrical type of worth... sometimes you need to hit rock bottom, only that way lessons are learned

ask your self what its going to be next, 5...10 grand, you wont have it either will you

very difficult though i can imagine

[Brazoo]

Is it all just consumer debt - or legal bills? If it is consumer debt, is she spending more now to make herself less depressed - or is she just maintaining a lifestyle she use to enjoy when she was married?

[Toy Talk]

Is it all just consumer debt - or legal bills? If it is consumer debt, is she spending more now to make herself less depressed - or is she just maintaining a lifestyle she use to enjoy when she was married?

The legal bills we paid for during the first wave. What she had this time was a TON of consumer debt. Her financial problems were being compounded by a soon-to-be ex-husband who will not help financially with their kids, out-of-control credit card debt, car payments, cell phone bills, and a mess of other unpaid debt including medical expenses. She is also spending way too much in an effort to compensate for depression. Oh yeah, until next week she does not have a job so any expenses are beyond her means, and she is spending like there is no tomorrow.
We love her so very much, but trying to talk to her right now is similar to carrying on a conversation with a block of ice--cold and non-recipient.

[jp1969]

Thats a real tough one Shane.
I know my parents have been bailing 2 of my sisters out for what seems like forever,they tried putting their foot down,but,you know a parents love knows no limits when it comes to helping their children in times of need.
Sometimes I think they are abusive and rely on my parents too much.
They are both retired and their savings are being chewed on.
Not sure I have said anything worthwhile here.
Sorry.
Wish you luck.

[Toy Talk]

Thats a real tough one Shane.
I know my parents have been bailing 2 of my sisters out for what seems like forever,they tried putting their foot down,but,you know a parents love knows no limits when it comes to helping their children in times of need.
Sometimes I think they are abusive and rely on my parents too much.
They are both retired and their savings are being chewed on.
Not sure I have said anything worthwhile here.
Sorry.
Wish you luck.

Everything you say is always worthwhile. Seriously, with an avatar like yours I am always inclined to listen, if only out of fear!

[Toy Talk]

If my "problems" were not of my making, they would help me however they could. If my "problems" were of my own doing or my own bad judgment, I was own my own.

Thanks for sharing John. You summed up the hard-stance my wife and I have been discussing quite eloquently. My reluctance is that part of me that feels as if drawing such a line is comparable to turning my back on her.

[toystalker]

bro your love is deep and i share your path

draw that line bro... it seems long over due

remember back when you taught your girl to ride a bike... you had to run along holding on,more than likely took the stablizers off willing her to go go go, you let go and she rode on her own, from that moment on your little girl started becoming independant

did your little girl ask your permission to have a boyfriend, to start a family,to buy groceries, to buy car, to get credit cards... your little girl made those big dessisions all on her own... she felt grown up enough to make them
my girl has let me know a few times.... "dont tell me what to do" "im old enough" "im a big girl now"

and from what i get from reading what you say it dont sound like she is that greatfull ?
still overspending!

you probably have the kids from time to time... next time she asks for money offer to have the kids so she can go out to work and earn it her self in her own big girl grown up way

i just cant get passed the concept of that if you had not saved up that money... what if you were broke as a joke and she came to you, what would have happened then

im so confused about all how this works... god supposed to work in mysterious ways... yet for doing good it seems like you are being punished
you saved that money you deserve that house

[Zemo]

I think John hit it out of the park. You are not turning your back on her, I would definitely not have blown your nest egg because of her/their financial irresponsibility. I would have had her enter a debt consolidation program or let her blow it off and have 0 credit for 7-8 years.

my 2 cents

[cactus725]

I can tell you that after raising 3...My oldest son lost his truck driving job in Michigan due to the economy and GM layoffs and had to move back to Tennessee..My daughter went through a divorce and is now remarried, and My youngest son is in his second year at the University of Tennessee...There is a time I'm sure when we have to cut the strings...I just don't think I'll live long enough to see it! Sorry about your situation, but as parents we can never seem to fight the urge to intervene on our childrens behalf when they are in dire need...So I don't think I'll ever be able to save very much for a lengthy time...Good luck with your daughter, she'll be fine but she will need your shoulder and wallet on occaision. The best thing about having kids is the "Grand Kids"!!! Now those little guys ( 2 boys and 3 girls) can sure make me laugh, plus they love all Granddads toys!!

[AJ Collector]

My reluctance is that part of me that feels as if drawing such a line is comparable to turning my back on her.


I think in a sense you will be making her open her eyes and take responsibility for her actions! When a person (grown or a child) knows they have a cushion they will usually take advantage of that. Being there is one thing, as parents we will always be there when they really need us and it sounds like you and your wife did just that, it's time for her to stand on her own two feet..... She is too old to act so irresponsible. Help her help herself!

[Nostalgiabuff]

you can never turn your back on your children. however, I think ther eis a fine line. I think that many children take full advantage of their parents love and it becomes an enabling thing. I see if with my younger brother and my older brother all the time. Everytime he has ever gotten into financial trouble my parents bail them out. I never have and never plan to ask themj for anything other than the occasional babysitting gig so the wife and I can go out alone.
.
i'm not saying it would be easy but you have to put your foot down and say enough!! your daughter is old enough to get married and have children so she is old enough to budget and get her **** together on her own. just my 2 cents. I only wish you and your family the best

[toys2cool]

I don't know bro, I'm 30 now and I haven't asked my mother for a penny since I was 15... In fact i help her out once in a while when she really needs it