Got any jokes?

[txteach]

A blond is reading the newspaper and sees the headline "Two Brazilian men die in skydiving accident". She suddenly starts crying like crazy and her husband comes over "Honey, why are you crying?". The blond says " I can't believe that many men died in a sky diving accident, two Brazilian is a lot of guys".


Ok Ok, maybe only ok but has anyone heard any others lately?

[HardyGirl]

What country are you in when you go to the bathroom?

European

[Cmonster]

... But it's still too EAVVY!

Ya know, seeing how it's werewolf custom week and all...

SC

[fallensaviour]

... But it's still too EAVVY!

Ya know, seeing how it's werewolf custom week and all...

SC

American werewolf quote I love it...

Toyota is now recalling cars to fix the headlight dimmer switch issue,
Too many blondes keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.

[Meule]

What country are you in when you go to the bathroom?

European

Careful now

[MIB41]

Two Irishman Meet a Suisse Tourist

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

[megoapesnut]

The rules of rural Pennsylvania are as follows:

1. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'dirt road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one.

3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.

4. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a "Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!

9. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It’s not real chili.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair.

15. College and high school football are as important here as the Steelers and Eagles and a lot more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta’ there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines - PA has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3 .

20. Four inches isn't a blizzard--it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and don't take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. You’re not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day.

[megoapesnut]

So, a blonde goes into an appliance store and tells a salesman that she wants to buy a TV by pointing it out to him. The salesman promptly replies that they do not sell to blondes. So... she shaves off all of her blonde hair and goes in the next day and tells a different salesman that she wants to buy a TV, pointing to the same model and that salesman replies that they do not sell to blondes. She pouts and asks him how he knew she was a blonde as she had no hair and he replies by pointing to the "TV" - because THAT is a microwave

[spamn]

Just found this one:

So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

[megoapesnut]

So you are still allowed to wear her things. She just doesn't want to CATCH you wearing them...

[HardyGirl]

Careful now

Sorry Thomas!

[Donkey Hoatie]

Two young, married couples move into the same neighborhood. They start talking about getting more involved in the community and decide the first thing they should do is join a church.

The next day, the four of them set up an appointment to meet with the priest at the local Catholic church. They explain that they'd like to join and get more involved.

"Well," the priest says. "That sounds wonderful. We get a lot of young couples come in and they attend mass for a few weeks and then we never see them again. What we've found is that people tend to show up more if they're invested in the church emotionally and spiritually. As you may know, being a Catholic requires making sacrifices. I'd like to make sure you're all willing to sacrifice something in order to join our church. So, before you can join our church, you must abstain from sex for the next month."

Both couples agree that they are willing to make that sacrifice in order to join the church. One month later, they return.

"So, how was your experience?" asks the priest.

The first husband answers, "I'll be honest with you, Father. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I love my wife very much and I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. There were times when I was very tempted, but in the end we decided we'd much rather be a part of something greater than break our promise to the church."

"Congratulations!" The priest says. "Welcome to the Catholic church."

The second husband speaks up next. "Father, I feel much the same way as our friends do. I love my wife very much as well and think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. But it was really, really hard to withhold affection from each other. We almost made it, but I have to confess that the other day, my wife was bending over the freezer picking out some meat for dinner and she just looked so lovely, I had to have her right there."

"I'm sorry," said the priest. "But you broke your promise and you're no longer welcome at this church."

"I figured as much," said the husband. "For that matter, we're no longer welcome at the grocery store either."

[Megospidey]

An old man and woman decide finally to have a baby. They try and try but cannot get pregnant. Finally, they decide to go see a fertility doctor.

"Well," says the doc, "before we can proceed, I need a sample from you sir. Take this jar, go home, and please bring one back tomorrow."

The next day, the man comes back in with the jar...empty. The doctor says, "I thought I said I needed a sample from you?"

The man says, "I know, I know. My wife tried with her right hand. She tried with left hand. She tried with her teeth in. She tried with her teeth out. But....she still couldn't get the lid off that jar!"

[Sideshow Spock]

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess now I'll have to spread my legs", she says.

"Why?", he asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

[jp1969]

A dairy farmer sets up his bench in order to milk one of his cows.As he is milking her she gives him a kick with one of her rear legs.He gets up and ties her rear legs together.
Getting back into position he receives a kick from one of her front legs.He gets up and ties her front legs together.Once again getting into position he murmurs lets see you do that again,and promptly gets wacked in the face by her tail.
Now hes really P'd off so he gets some more rope, puts the bench behind the cow, stands on it and as he is reaching for the ceiling trying to tie her tail to one of the rafters,his pants fall down just as his wife is entering the barn.
All he can say is....You'll never beleive me.