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Let's kill all the Belgians

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  • Meule
    Verbose Member
    • Nov 14, 2004
    • 28720

    Let's kill all the Belgians

    An American wrote a book called "Let's kill all the Belgians" with the subtitle "A Child's guide to Genocide".

    Author Danny Wind describes the book on his blog
    Pg. 1: This is a Belgian. He would like to eat your brain.

    (A fanged, clawed, vampiric creature in a beret glowers at the reader.)

    Pg. 2: Belgians come from Belgium, a land of pure evil, like that place in "Lord of the Rings." It smells like pee.

    (A map of Europe. Friendly countries like the Netherlands or Germany are marked with smiley faces. Belgium is colored blood-red and is dotted with skull-and-crossbones emblems. The label "PEE SMELL" is scrawled next to the map, with an arrow pointing at Belgium.)

    Pg. 3: If Belgians had the chance, they would take over America and kill your mommy and daddy. They would make you learn Belgian in school and eat waffles three meals a day. You probably think that sounds good, but, trust me, you would get sick of it real quick.

    (The Belgian jabs a pointed stick at our protagonist, an eight-year-old boy named Billy. Billy, wearing a dunce cap, has a textbook labeled "BELGIAN" in one hand and a fork in the other, as he pokes at a huge stack of waffles. Behind him, Billy's parents are being burned at the stake under a burning American flag.)

    Pg. 4: If the Belgians came over to America, they would eat your puppy. If you don't have a puppy, they would buy you one and then eat it. That's how the Belgians roll.

    (The Belgian drools over a plate carrying a puppy with X's for eyes and its tongue hanging out.)

    Pg. 5: Belgians are also responsible for Brussels sprouts. You hate Brussels sprouts, don't you? Of course you do.

    (Billy stares forlornly at an enormous pile of Brussels sprouts.)

    Pg. 6: If you ever see a Belgian, you should run away and alert the nearest police officer or Dutchman.

    (Billy flees in terror from the Belgian chasing him.)

    But you probably won't be able to find anyone, so you will have to kill him yourself.

    Pg. 7: There are many ways to kill a Belgian. You can decapitate them.

    (Billy severs the Belgian's head with a battleaxe.)

    Pg. 8: You can set them on fire.

    (Billy lights the Belgian aflame with a flamethrower.)

    Pg. 9: You can stab them in the heart with a crucifix.

    (Billy plunges a sharpened crucifix into the Belgian's chest. Blood sprays everywhere.)

    Pg. 10: But I know what you're thinking: "I'm just a little kid. And there are more than ten million Belgians. I can't possibly kill them all myself." And you're right.

    (Billy faces the reader, palms turned outward. He's surrounded by question marks.)

    Pg. 11: If America's political leaders had any stones at all, they would kill every single Belgian by dropping nuclear bombs on them.

    (Nuclear missiles rain onto a Belgian cityscape, with a flaming Belgian flag in the foreground.)

    Pg. 12: But they won't do it, because they are all pussies.

    (On the floor of Congress, a group of cats in pinstriped suits groom themselves and play with balls of yarn.)

    Pg. 13: But you can change their minds. Write a letter to your Congressman, and ask him not to let Belgians eat your puppy.

    (An over-the-shoulder shot of Billy writing a letter, that consists only of two words: "NUKE BELGIUM".)

    Pg. 14: And take all the money you can find in Mommy and Daddy's wallets and send it with the letter.

    (Billy stuffs a wad of bills into an envelope labeled "WHITE HOUSE.")

    Politicians like money.

    Pg. 15: Explain to your classmates about the Belgian threat, and tell them to do the same thing you did.

    (Billy talks to a group of other kids on the playground. Two word balloons sprout from his mouth: one containing the Belgian flag with an "X" through it, the other containing the image of the rain of nukes. The other kids look concerned.)

    Pg. 16: The politicans will find your arguments so persuasive that they will be convinced to do what must be done about Belgium.

    (A politician opens an envelope to find a stack of bills, and his eyes turn to dollar signs. In the background, other politicians react the same way.)

    Pg. 17: Belgium will be wiped from the face of the Earth.

    (A group of smoldering skeletons in berets lie strewn about a post-apocalyptic hellscape.)

    Remember: we can fight the Belgians over there, or we can fight them over here.

    Pg. 18: Once we've killed all the Belgians, you can eat all the ice cream you want, and it will be Christmas every day. Except on your birthday, when it will be Double Christmas. That's right, Double Christmas.

    (Billy, wearing a party hat, eats bowl after bowl of ice cream. Behind him are three Christmas trees, with dozens of presents under each.)

    Pg. 19: After all the Belgians are dead, then we can get to work on killing all the Swedes.

    (The same picture of the nukes raining down on the city as before, but with a burning Swedish flag instead of the Belgian one.)

    Don't even get me started on the Swedes.

    THE END


    Not sure what this guy has against Belgians, but I find it hilarious, even tho their is an amount of danger involved with this. All it takes is one lunatic to take this serious...
    "...The agony of my soul found vent in one loud, long and final scream of despair..." - Edgar Allan Poe
  • The Bat
    Batman Fanatic
    • Jul 14, 2002
    • 13412

    #2
    Yeah, I don't get it. Belgians are harmless...they just stood aside and let the German troops pass through to France.
    sigpic

    Comment

    • Werewolf
      Inhuman
      • Jul 14, 2003
      • 14983

      #3
      That's just weird.
      You are a bold and courageous person, afraid of nothing. High on a hill top near your home, there stands a dilapidated old mansion. Some say the place is haunted, but you don't believe in such myths. One dark and stormy night, a light appears in the topmost window in the tower of the old house. You decide to investigate... and you never return...

      Comment

      • samurainoir
        Eloquent Member
        • Dec 26, 2006
        • 18758

        #4
        But... but... THE WAFFLES!









        (and THE CHOCOLATE!)
        My store in the MEGO MALL!

        BUY THE CAPTAIN CANUCK ACTION FIGURE HERE!

        Comment

        • toys2cool
          Ultimate Mego Warrior
          • Nov 27, 2006
          • 28605

          #5
          creepy
          "Time to nut up or shut up" -Tallahassee

          http://ultimatewarriorcollection.webs.com/
          My stuff on facebook Incompatible Browser | Facebook

          Comment

          • Brazoo
            Permanent Member
            • Feb 14, 2009
            • 4767

            #6
            I actually find it kinda funny. From googling it seems like it was a self-published thing through Lulu, and it doesn't look like it's available now.

            Do you think anyone would take that seriously? I guess maybe you're right, there are some really dumb people out there.

            I can almost see the same book being written about Canadians, and I would probably chuckle at that. Maybe I'm just sick.

            Comment

            • ctc
              Fear the monkeybat!
              • Aug 16, 2001
              • 11183

              #7
              >Yeah, I don't get it. Belgians are harmless

              That's what they WANT you to think. Ever notice there are no Sasquatch sightings in Belgium?

              Think about it....

              Or don't. I've had a long, wacky day.

              Don C.

              Comment

              • Mikey
                Verbose Member
                • Aug 9, 2001
                • 47258

                #8
                The USA and Belgium has been good friends for about 180 years.

                I think it's just a matter of ribbing a good buddy.

                You could never get away with saying stuff like that about Germany or Japan etc.

                Comment

                • torgospizza
                  Theocrat of Pan Tang
                  • Aug 19, 2010
                  • 2747

                  #9
                  Yeah, I completely think it's a joke, since we tend to hold Belgium in high esteem. Well, those of us that know better than to confuse you with the French. It would be like talking smack on Denmark or Switzerland. The humor's in the absurdity.

                  Comment

                  • Meule
                    Verbose Member
                    • Nov 14, 2004
                    • 28720

                    #10
                    Oh, don't get me wrong, this doesn't bother me one bit, I find it hilarious.
                    And I'm sure the author meant it as a joke as well (at least I hope so), it's just weird
                    "...The agony of my soul found vent in one loud, long and final scream of despair..." - Edgar Allan Poe

                    Comment

                    • Brue
                      User without title
                      • Sep 29, 2005
                      • 4246

                      #11
                      Originally posted by Meule
                      Oh, don't get me wrong, this doesn't bother me one bit, I find it hilarious.
                      And I'm sure the author meant it as a joke as well (at least I hope so), it's just weird
                      it is funny in a creepy way. it seems like a young person wote it who doesn't understand the line between funny and inappropriate

                      Comment

                      • Meule
                        Verbose Member
                        • Nov 14, 2004
                        • 28720

                        #12
                        I think the author is 28, so he should know better
                        "...The agony of my soul found vent in one loud, long and final scream of despair..." - Edgar Allan Poe

                        Comment

                        • Brad
                          Batman Fanatic
                          • Aug 20, 2010
                          • 1230

                          #13
                          Please forgive me as this is just my opinion and it is not meant to make anyone angry, but I do not like that at all. Too creepy for me, even as a joke. But I also realize I am too sensitive about things like this, partially due to the fact that I am Jewish . All you have to do is replace the word Belgians with Jews and it's freaking 1938 all over again.


                          And if it was truly written by a 28 year old, then it really isn't funny to me at all. It's much closer to being appalling even if it is meant as a joke. I could be a bit more understanding if it was written by a child since they may not know any better. I just don't see the humor in genocide but, like I said, I realize that I am way too sensitive about stuff like this.


                          I am very sorry for the rant but, as the saying goes, I really needed to get that of my chest.
                          "Never take a person's dignity: it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you." - Frank Barron

                          Comment

                          • BlackKnight
                            The DarkSide Customizer
                            • Apr 16, 2005
                            • 14622

                            #14
                            Originally posted by The Bat
                            Yeah, I don't get it. Belgians are harmless...
                            I only know of 2 ... And they seem so..., but this Guy seems to have some sorta insider Info on them ...
                            ... The Original Knight ..., Often Imitated, However Never Duplicated. The 1st Knight in Customs.


                            always trading for Hot Toys Figures .

                            Comment

                            • Brazoo
                              Permanent Member
                              • Feb 14, 2009
                              • 4767

                              #15
                              Originally posted by Brad
                              Please forgive me as this is just my opinion and it is not meant to make anyone angry, but I do not like that at all. Too creepy for me, even as a joke. But I also realize I am too sensitive about things like this, partially due to the fact that I am Jewish . All you have to do is replace the word Belgians with Jews and it's freaking 1938 all over again.


                              And if it was truly written by a 28 year old, then it really isn't funny to me at all. It's much closer to being appalling even if it is meant as a joke. I could be a bit more understanding if it was written by a child since they may not know any better. I just don't see the humor in genocide but, like I said, I realize that I am way too sensitive about stuff like this.


                              I am very sorry for the rant but, as the saying goes, I really needed to get that of my chest.
                              I think one way to look at it is as parody, which is what I believe it was intended as. Picking an arbitrary group of people to hate shows the random illogic of racism - so it's making fun of bigotry - not Belgians. To me anyway.

                              Like, Jonathan Swift wasn't really saying the starving people of Ireland should sell their children as food in "A Modest Proposal", he was making a pointed statement at how cruel ignoring poverty was.

                              Anyway - I took at as parody right away - and I think it is powerful to mock bad ideas this way. Though, clearly it's not for everyone.

                              Comment

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