Joke thread...

[Hector]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Medicine Hat, Canada, and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers:

"Been on holiday yet, guys?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[thunderbolt]

nice long set up for the payoff, funny!!

[Hector]

[Hector]

MEN IN HEAVEN

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here".

[The Bat]

An Irishman walks into a Pub in Dublin, sits down at the Bar and orders 3 Pints of Guinness. He then proceeds to drink all three of them, taking a sip off each one in succession. Then Bartender says I hate to be nosey , but I've gotta ask why you're drinking them that way. The Irishman says, me two Brothers moved away...one to Australia, and one to America. So we made a agreement to stop in a Pub everyday and raise a toast to each other. The Bartender says, that's nice...I like that.

So this goes on for a couple of months and all the other Patrons of the Pub get to know him, and think it's nice how he pays tribute to his Brothers far away.

Then one day he walks in and orders "only" 2 Pints of Guinness. Everyone in the Pub is silent, and are afraid to say anything. Finally...the Bartender can't take it anymore and walks up to the Man and says...look, I know it's none of my business, but I just want to offer my condolences. The Irishman looks confused for a minute, and then realizes what the Bartender is thinking. The Irishman says...oh no Mate, no worries...both me Brothers are fine.......I'm just on the Wagon.

[Megospidey]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............





"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[jimsmegos]

^ That could be a great blond joke

[ddgaff1132]

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lays the dog on an examination table and begins his work. The vet then ponders for a moment, then rushes off into the back room. He returns with an adult tabby and places the feline on the same examination table. The feline sniffs at the reclining dog then begins to circle it several times. All the while, the dogs owner looks on. Soon the vet fetches up the tabbyh and reguards the dogs owner. "I'm sorry sir. Your animal is dead." Says the vet.
The vet returns the feline to the back room and returns. The vet scribbles on a notepad and presents the slip to the dog owner.

BILL OF SERVICES: $918.00

The dog owner complains. 918 just fo telling me my dog's dead?!!!
Oh. the 18 dollars are for my services. The other $900 is for the CAT scan.

[ddgaff1132]

NOTICE IN PAPER:
Alcoholic's anonymous meeting Wens 9-10 BYOB

[ddgaff1132]

Two anglers stop at a pub. The Bartender greets the 2 and strikes up a conversation. "I see ya came to do a bit o' fishing." The 2 visitors confirm his assumption and the Barkeep continues. "Couldn't have picked better. Why the waters around her are so teaming. You could just reach in and grab 'em. " The 2 Fishermen drink there fill and in the late hours of the night leave the bar. As they walk back to there lodgings, they come to a small bridge. One fisherman turns to the other. " Hey! lets see if that bartender knows what he's talking about. Grab my feet and lower me over the side of this bridge. " The drunken anglers set their plan in motion and soon several minutes have passed. Then the suspended fisherman begins to thrash about and yells "Pull me up! Pull me Up!" Trying to maintain his grip on his thrashing friends ankles, The man atop the bridge asks. "Why? Do you got a big one?" The suspended angler yells in reply. "NO... A trains coming!"

[Hector]

Keep 'em coming!