Joke thread

[Hector]

Here's a classic...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.... 'I would have gotten out today.'

[txteach]

Now that is funny. I'm going to tell my father that one.

[Megospidey]

A family from Pakistan is visiting the US for the first time.

They go to one of the large malls in the city.

The mother and daughter go off to shop, the father and son go off to explore.

The father and son come upon a set of huge, silver doors with lights around it and on top of it.

The father has never seen anything like it and he watches as a middle-age, overweight woman pushes a button beside the doors, the doors slide open, the woman goes inside, the doors shut, and the numbers change above the doors.

In a few seconds, the doors open again and out walks this gorgeous, young, thin woman.

The father looks over at his son and says, "Go get your mother."

[toys2cool]

lol! that's good

Here's one about Death

Ok so Death comes knocking on this guy's door,the guy opens and he's says...Hey it's time to go buddy

So the guy starts crying and pleading asking for just 2 more hours to be able to do a few things he'd never had a chance to do.

So Death thinks about it and says..sure ok I'll give you 2 hours,have fun but I don't want any of this crying B-S when I get back.

The guy then hurries up and shaves his facial hair and head and tries to change his appearance as much as possible and dips to Vegas

So Death comes back knockin' and realizes the guy has dipped,so he thinks to himself where would I go? so he tries a bunch of places and after a month of trying he makes it to Vegas,by that time he's mad and exhausted after looking for this guy.

The guy is drinking in the bar having a good time with a bunch of chicks

and Death snaps and says,man this guy gotta away,he really got me.I'm so freakin' mad that if I don't find this guy in 10 minutes I'm taking that bald guy sitting in the bar instead

[Hector]

[Megospidey]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was
completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him
terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

[Captain]

A couple of years ago, Joe lost one of his arms in a car accident. He became very
depressed because he was in a famous band as a guitar player....a job he could no longer do. Girls, money he had it all....now without his arm, he had to go back to working as an accountant and living with his maiden Aunt Bertha.

One day he just decided he had had enough and decided to commit suicide. Leaving his cubicle, Joe ran to the roof of the building where he worked and prepared to jump.

While standing on the ledge, he forced himself to look down....to pick a good spot to land where he wouldnt make too much of a mess to cleanup. He immediately noticed a man with NO arms dancing down the street, whistling and kicking up his heels.

This had a distinct impact on Joe, the would be jumper. "If a man with no arms at all can be so happy, what right do I have to be up here planning to end my life?"

Joe quickly raced down to the ground floor and bolted down the street to catch up with his new found hero. Catching up to the man, Joe excitedly told him his story about how he was planning to end it all, when he saw this man with no arms happily dancing down the street. " You've inspired me sir, completely turned my life around. If you can be so happy with no arms, then I can certainly live with one!"

The man with no arms looked at Joe, nodded his head and then began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

Joe just had to know why this fellow was so jolly so he asked, "How do you do it sir...I mean you have no arms.....Why are you so happy?"

The man replied; "I'm NOT happy..... my arse itches and I can't scratch it!"

[apes3978]

Teacher says to the class: "I would like you to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence...

One little boy raises his hand and is called on... He says "We went to to the zoo and it fascinated me"... Teacher says "That's close, but not quite what I wanted..."

A little girl raises her hand and says " I learn a lot here in school and it fascinates me"... Teacher says "Again, very close, but not quite right."

Teacher looks around the class and see's Little Johnny raising his hand enthusiastically... Knowing he's a problem child she hesitates but gives in. When called upon, Little Johnny says: " My sister's blouse has ten buttons, but her ti** are so big, she can only fasten eight..."