Need some parenting advice

[Wise4671]

Need a little parenting advice

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Hey Gang,
So my son gets his progress report the other day and he went from a B in reading to an F. So I ask him whats going on and he tells me I don't know dad I've been doing my work. So I tell him I am going to call his teacher to find out whats going on and if there is anything I should know now would be the time to tell me before I call the school and again he tells me he don't know why he is getting a bad mark in his reading class. So I call the school today with a few questions one of the big questions is Why he has to drop 3 letter grades before someone lets me know whats going on. Next question is why did he go down so far in his grade. So when I called I was told the teacher would call me back. I wait for her call and nothing. John comes home from school and I get a note that tells me he has been failing his tests and thats why his grade dropped. So I ask him about his tests and he tells me he has been throwing them out because he didnt want me to see them and be mad at him. John is 10 years old and I feel like some trust is broken and feel bad that he feels he cant come to me when he has a problem which is really bumming me out. I can see what part of the problem is he is rushing his school work so he can jump on his games (Which he wont be playing for awhile) He told me he didnt want me to get mad at him and yell at him for doing bad on his tests so know I feel like I may be to hard on him at times. I sat him down and talked to him first telling him that I love him and then let him know that it made me feel bad that he felt he couldnt come to me and thought he had to hide something from me. He told me he would try harder. I dont know its just really bugging me and since alot of you here are like family to me I thought I would get some input as to how you would handle this.

Thanks,
John

[Jason73]

When I was 11 I received my first ever C on a report card. I was so ashamed that I did not show the report card to my parents. I just hid it. Eventually they wondered why I hadn't received a report card yet and called my friend's mom to see if they received their report cards yet. The truth came out and I had to show my parents.

I wasn't afraid of my parents getting mad, I just didn't want to dissapoint them. Not sure if that helps, but that's how it was for me way back when.

[Mikey]

Make sure you have his eyes checked every so often and eliminate that as a possible reason his grade is dropping.

[Wise4671]

I think what bothers me more is that he didnt come to me and let me know right out the rip. The grade can be brought up but like I told him if he cant come to me with this type of a problem what is he going to do when something worse happens down the road. I dont want to have the relationship me and my dad had. It makes me feel like I'm not doing something right. He's pretty upset that he let me down maybe thats a good thing I don't know. I know things get ruff when your a kid but I just want him to be able to come to me and say hey dad I have a problem can you help me out. Before this I thought that that is how our relationship was.

[sauce]

I have found that the lying/hiding with kids comes from not wanting to face fear or embarrassment or the truth. Only with open and honest talk will you be able to find out the initial source of the lying/hiding.

Lay down the law, set the boundaries, take away the games (kids really want parents to do that anyhow) and then get snuggly and sweet and settle into a talk with the goal of retracing back to when and why it all began.

[Wise4671]

Make sure you have his eyes checked every so often and eliminate that as a possible reason his grade is dropping.

Did that and he got glasses about 2 months ago. He told me with his reading homework he has just been looking for the answers to the questions instead of actually reading the stories first and that when he gets his tests the questions are different.

[Wise4671]

I have found that the lying/hiding with kids comes from not wanting to face fear or embarrassment or the truth. Only with open and honest talk will you be able to find out the initial source of the lying/hiding.

Lay down the law, set the boundaries, take away the games (kids really want parents to do that anyhow) and then get snuggly and sweet and settle into a talk with the goal of retracing back to when and why it all began.

That sounds like a good way for me to find out whats going on. He and I will be talking alot here in the next few days. Also I really want to talk with the teacher and have her explain to me why he had to get so far behind before I was told anything. The part that gets me is she has me sign tests that he aces but she didnt send the failing tests home to have signed and returned.

[sauce]

Yeah, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate any dips in performance. If you don't get a satisfactory reply and an apology, then speak to admin.

[Brazoo]

I'm not a parent - so I don't know if this makes sense, but it sounds like the problem to me is that he's getting bored of reading.

Did he enjoy reading when he was younger?

Is it possible that the stuff they're giving him to read is below his reading level or just boring to him subject-wise?

Is there a way you can think to excite him about reading? I think the more he reads, even if it's comic books or whatever, the better his language skills will be in the long run.

I know that doesn't take care of the grade situation right now - but it sounds like he's capable of taking care of that if he buckles down a bit.

[RG]

don't worry too much about the trust issue ... it's most likely embarrassment and a feeling of letting himself down and you.

now on a flip side, my niece always did good on her work and read like she was to do, but the teacher would have such off the wall tests then grade hard, it was really unfair to all the kids in the class. So given your son might be not giving 100% but keep an eye on what they're to do and then what the tests cover. There are some awesome teachers out there, but there are also some that just hand out busy work then test on stuff they should have been teaching the kids instead of giving out busy work.

[Joe90]

Sounds to me like your son has put his school work on the back burner and now is feeling the consequences of it. Prevarication (hi-falutin talk for B.S.) is a standard coping strategy with kids.

You called the teacher and she didn't get back to you? Hmmm... She sent a letter home instead? Hmmm... Sounds like she is in avoidance mode. Cut her some slack this time -- she might be overwhelmed. However, get into the habit of calling her regularly to find out what's going on. Insist that she return your calls. Keep your interviews with any teacher short and concise. A busy teacher will appreciate brief talks and won't dread talking to you on the phone. If you aren't getting your calls returned I recommend leaving a message with the principal's secretary at school, or get her email addy. Let your son know you and teacher are communicating and on the same page as far as his education goes. This will alleviate a lot of problems.

He told me with his reading homework he has just been looking for the answers to the questions instead of actually reading the stories first and that when he gets his tests the questions are different.

This sort of "Search and Destroy" way of doing school work is a typical kid's way of doing assignments, however your son isn't learning anything except how to find key words in paragraphs. That's not really studying. Unplug the games until he develops some sound study habits.

[Wise4671]

I'm not a parent - so I don't know if this makes sense, but it sounds like the problem to me is that he's getting bored of reading.

Did he enjoy reading when he was younger?

Is it possible that the stuff they're giving him to read is below his reading level or just boring to him subject-wise?

Is there a way you can think to excite him about reading? I think the more he reads, even if it's comic books or whatever, the better his language skills will be in the long run.

I know that doesn't take care of the grade situation right now - but it sounds like he's capable of taking care of that if he buckles down a bit.

See thats what gets me he and I read comics all the time also books like Diary of a Whimpy Kid stuff like that just for fun and we talk about the books that we read. I looked at his reading book today and the story he is reading now is about dinosaurs but its done in some what of a comic form

[Wise4671]

don't worry too much about the trust issue ... it's most likely embarrassment and a feeling of letting himself down and you.

now on a flip side, my niece always did good on her work and read like she was to do, but the teacher would have such off the wall tests then grade hard, it was really unfair to all the kids in the class. So given your son might be not giving 100% but keep an eye on what they're to do and then what the tests cover. There are some awesome teachers out there, but there are also some that just hand out busy work then test on stuff they should have been teaching the kids instead of giving out busy work.

Thank You for the input I am going to have to look into this (now I wish even more that he would have bought the tests to me so I could see what the tests were about)

[Wise4671]

Sounds to me like your son has put his school work on the back burner and now is feeling the consequences of it. Prevarication (hi-falutin talk for B.S.) is a standard coping strategy with kids.

You called the teacher and she didn't get back to you? Hmmm... She sent a letter home instead? Hmmm... Sounds like she is in avoidance mode. Cut her some slack this time -- she might be overwhelmed. However, get into the habit of calling her regularly to find out what's going on. Insist that she return your calls. Keep your interviews with any teacher short and concise. A busy teacher will appreciate brief talks and won't dread talking to you on the phone. If you aren't getting your calls returned I recommend leaving a message with the principal's secretary at school, or get her email addy. Let your son know you and teacher are communicating and on the same page as far as his education goes. This will alleviate a lot of problems.



This sort of "Search and Destroy" way of doing school work is a typical kid's way of doing assignments, however your son isn't learning anything except how to find key words in paragraphs. That's not really studying. Unplug the games until he develops some sound study habits.

Ohh the games are gone till his grades go back up thats already a done deal.

[Type3Toys]

Expecting a child to come to a pparent when they know they are going to get punished is like asking a child to go break a switch off a bush to be used to give them a spanking.
In our house, with our kids the rule is simple: what ever you put before school you will lose if your grade suffer. We hit our kids where it hurts. X-Box, cell phone ect. MY wife has a great rapour with both of the kids' teachers as well. The kids ages are boy 15, girl 13, and that alone keeps life interesting.
IMO, this is a simple situation that a handle should be put on asap.