Two young, married couples move into the same neighborhood. They start talking about getting more involved in the community and decide the first thing they should do is join a church.
The next day, the four of them set up an appointment to meet with the priest at the local Catholic church. They explain that they'd like to join and get more involved.
"Well," the priest says. "That sounds wonderful. We get a lot of young couples come in and they attend mass for a few weeks and then we never see them again. What we've found is that people tend to show up more if they're invested in the church emotionally and spiritually. As you may know, being a Catholic requires making sacrifices. I'd like to make sure you're all willing to sacrifice something in order to join our church. So, before you can join our church, you must abstain from sex for the next month."
Both couples agree that they are willing to make that sacrifice in order to join the church. One month later, they return.
"So, how was your experience?" asks the priest.
The first husband answers, "I'll be honest with you, Father. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I love my wife very much and I think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. There were times when I was very tempted, but in the end we decided we'd much rather be a part of something greater than break our promise to the church."
"Congratulations!" The priest says. "Welcome to the Catholic church."
The second husband speaks up next. "Father, I feel much the same way as our friends do. I love my wife very much as well and think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. But it was really, really hard to withhold affection from each other. We almost made it, but I have to confess that the other day, my wife was bending over the freezer picking out some meat for dinner and she just looked so lovely, I had to have her right there."
"I'm sorry," said the priest. "But you broke your promise and you're no longer welcome at this church."
"I figured as much," said the husband. "For that matter, we're no longer welcome at the grocery store either."
An old man and woman decide finally to have a baby. They try and try but cannot get pregnant. Finally, they decide to go see a fertility doctor.
"Well," says the doc, "before we can proceed, I need a sample from you sir. Take this jar, go home, and please bring one back tomorrow."
The next day, the man comes back in with the jar...empty. The doctor says, "I thought I said I needed a sample from you?"
The man says, "I know, I know. My wife tried with her right hand. She tried with left hand. She tried with her teeth in. She tried with her teeth out. But....she still couldn't get the lid off that jar!"
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess now I'll have to spread my legs", she says.
"Why?", he asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
A dairy farmer sets up his bench in order to milk one of his cows.As he is milking her she gives him a kick with one of her rear legs.He gets up and ties her rear legs together.
Getting back into position he receives a kick from one of her front legs.He gets up and ties her front legs together.Once again getting into position he murmurs lets see you do that again,and promptly gets wacked in the face by her tail.
Now hes really P'd off so he gets some more rope, puts the bench behind the cow, stands on it and as he is reaching for the ceiling trying to tie her tail to one of the rafters,his pants fall down just as his wife is entering the barn.
All he can say is....You'll never beleive me.
An Irishman walks into a Pub in Dublin, sits down at the Bar and orders three Pints of Guinness. He drinks all three Pints, taking a sip off each one at a time as he does so.
Each Day after he returns and repeats the ritual. Finally the Bartender can't take it anymore and asks.."I know it's none of my business Lad, but why three Pints at the same time"? The Irishman says..."well Mate, I've got a Brother who moved to Australia, and another Brother who moved to America. So we all made a Pact that each Day at noon, we'd all stop in a Pub and drink a toast to each other".
The Bartender replies "that's really nice Lad". So this goes on for a few months and all the Patrons of the Pub get to know the Irishman, and admire his loyalty to his Brothers.
Then one Day the Irishman walks in, sits down and only orders two Pints. Everybody in the Pub is silent...fearing the worst. Finally...the Bartender can't take it anymore...and walks up to the Guys and says..."You've got my sincerest condolences Lad".
The Irishman confused at first, realizes what the Bartender is thinking! He's says...."oh no mate, you've got it all wrong...both me Brothers are fine...I'm just on the Wagon".