Dad Jokes needed

[drquest]

So my daughter is getting married quite soon. Her future father in law is a friend I've known since grade school. He wants us to perform some "Dad Jokes" during the reception. I know, seems kind of a groaner, but I think we can push through some fairly quickly

With that I've been gathering some to use on the unfortunate and unwilling captive audience and thought maybe you all here might have some suggestions for a few as well. Doesn't have to be wedding related of course.

So fire up the joke machine and let me hear some!

Here's one to get us rolling...

Why does everyone in Moscow walk so fast?
Because they are all Russian

[Brown Bear]

What did the man saw when he walked into the bar?
Ouch!

What do you call a Bear with no ear?
"B"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have one beer and a mop"

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.......then she hugged me.

Thank you. I'll be here all week. You won't offend me with tips.

[Mikey]

Google Henny Youngman

Ultimate clean Dad-Joke machine

[sprytel]

Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself?

Hey do you want to hear a great word I made up? I call it "plagiarism".

Did you see that new documentary about constipation? It hasn't come out yet.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

You know the rotation of the earth really makes my day.

[drquest]

Good ones!

Let me hear any other ones you have!

[KingKickass1983]

What did Jesus do when Mary Magdelin tracked dirt through the house? Jesus swept.

My friend gave me a bag of dirt for my birthday, I told him "Thanks for the sediment."

[drquest]

Well my daughter had her wedding on Saturday a beautiful day and wonderful reception that was ruined by bad jokes delivered by me and my son in laws father. Here's some of the jokes that were told.

What do dad jokes have in common with paper?
They are tear-able

Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?
Because the audience only responds in a low ha.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims of course

How did the computer hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware

How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots

Why are libraries the tallest buildings in the world?
They have the most stories

What do you use to clean a pig?
With Ham sanitizer

I found out I’m allergic to snakes
So now I have to take an anti-hiss-tamine

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In the snow bank

Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They break out in hives.

For the Star Wars fans. If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for?
A stormtrooper

I think the reason aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.

I was at the zoo recently and noticed a piece of toast in one of the cages. I asked the keeper why it was in there.
He said it was bread in captivity.

How do you make a bee become an atheist?
You scare the beeJesus out of it.

I went to the local beekeeper to buy 12 bees. He counted out 13 for me. I said “sir, you gave me an extra one.” He replied “yes that’s a freebie”

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

I’d you are Russian when you enter the bathroom, and Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
European

The doctor said I caught the peek-a-boo virus.
He sent me directly to the ICU

Why does everyone in Moscow walk so fast?
Because they are all Russian

Why do thrill seekers love camping?
Because it is in tents

Have you noticed that the cost of repairing a flat tire has increased this year?
It’s all because of inflation

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way!

My doctor told me I was going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.

Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
Minnesota!

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
They just seem a little shady!

Siri kept calling me Shirley all morning and I was annoyed until I realized I had my iPhone on Airplane mode.

What does a tapeworm and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
They are both Paris sites

Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see well.

Why are crazy people hard of hearing?
I SAID Why are crazy people hard of hearing?

Why did the ghost smell so bad?
Because he was covered in sheet.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

What kind of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs!

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-enated

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a buccaneer

Where do pirates get their hooks?
At a 2nd hand store

What’s the best day to fly a kite?
Windsday of course!

What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are week (weak) days!

Why was the basketball court all wet?
The players kept dribbling on it.

What has four letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

I'm reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

I once got fired from a canned juice factory.
Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

Why shouldn’t you eat a clock?
It’s too time consuming

Why do bicycles have a kickstand?
Because they are two tired to stand by themselves

Why do melons have weddings?
Because they Cantaloupe

What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.
Remains to be seen.

Which cat is the least loyal? A cheetah.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
Loafers

Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.

Have you ever wondered about how much rainbows might weigh?
I imagine they are pretty light

What would you find in Batman’s shower?
Batshampoo and conditioner Gordon

My wife said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” And I thought, “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

[sprytel]

Hehe! There are some really good ones there! And congratulations!