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NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County )
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Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra
is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My
friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five
o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that
manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that
adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It
wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No,
that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking
for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it.
Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the
highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats
death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy
amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated
leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On
Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action
junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got
special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in
the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey,
a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when
you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic
transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll
still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the
same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the
gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to
pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just
put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll
entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and
tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a
Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered
eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the
prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet
Kick***. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry
your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged,
no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double,
then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just
chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll
talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to
Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer
pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
depoconnor@***
________________________________
Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra
is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My
friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five
o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that
manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that
adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It
wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No,
that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking
for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it.
Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the
highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats
death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy
amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated
leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On
Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action
junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got
special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in
the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey,
a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when
you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic
transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll
still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the
same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the
gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to
pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just
put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll
entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and
tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a
Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered
eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the
prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet
Kick***. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry
your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged,
no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double,
then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just
chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll
talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to
Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer
pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
depoconnor@***
-Tallahassee 
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